Skip to main content

I’m In Hormonal Hell

I’m going to cram the last seven months into a few blog posts. This is part one.

I mentioned in my last post I cried over lettuce. It was a serious trigger. But, when you’re a prisoner in the hormonal hell of menopause, it’s never “just lettuce”. Menopause is the grandest climatic ride that’s controlled by unstable whacked out hormones. And there is no panic switch. We’re stuck with the intense mood swings, “meno-crying”, anxiety, depression, body aches, hot flashes, sweating, headaches, insomnia, fatigue, brain fog, low libido, dry itchy skin, panic attacks, and weight gain. What a fun ride this is (NOT).

Yes, I really do experience ALLL of them. Every-stinking-one. Some days I meno-cry several times for, well, no reason. Or a reason so insignificant a “normal” person wouldn’t bat an eye at. Like lettuce, for example. That became “my joke” when the only dinner choice that fit into my eating preferences was an extremely overpriced bowl of lettuce at an outdoor concert. Just mixed greens. No vegetables, no protein. Just greens you’d get in a plastic container at the grocery store. The tiny package of plain croutons and side of basic Italian dressing did nothing to stop the familiar tidal wave of hormones from surging through my body like a tsunami in the Pacific. I was starting to cry. And, as ridiculous as I knew it was to be crying, hormones overruled logic and meno-tears trickled down my cheek. “Dinner” in hand I slithered down into my chair to escape anyone from actually witnessing this moment of shame and embarrassment. And promptly put my salad down mumbling to mysef “I’m not eating this $10 bowl of weeds”. (And I didn’t!)

So, as a result of crying over lettuce, I began researching the crap out of menopause. I read countless articles and books on the subject. I scoured the corners of the web. I talked to friends who are or have experienced it. Hell, I stepped out of my comfort zone and even talked with a friggin’ counselor. To whom I LITERALLY said “I don’t know why I’m talking to you or how you can help me”. Verbatim.

Afterwards I questioned why, in what is actually a happy life with an awesome husband, an amazing family and the very best of friends, am I seeking counseling? Especially when my only explanation is “I’m an emotional roller coaster who now cries all-the-time”. I have plenty of loving, supportive people in my life. Yet there I was, on a Telemed call with a total stranger crying for 15 minutes over “nothing”.


I was confused with myself. I immediately binged a menopause book a friend gave me to get to the nitty gritty: HOW DO I FIX THIS? Show me the chapter with all of the magic information so I can get to work. What I found was myself connecting in shared experiences while simultaneously learning all about the complex science of hormones. It had become clear, with 218 pages left, there will be no quick answer.

I’m 53 and had NO idea how complex hormones are (or how many there are for that matter. And, as a mature woman, I’m not sure how I feel about not knowing this yet). My head is spinning. I’m kinda (okay, a lot) confused, but also thinking “Ahhh, that makes sense”.

Of course I know there is no fix for menopause. Ain’t no pill gonna stop this hormonal shit show from happening. Ain’t no counselor going to stop the meno-crying over lettuce and other trivial things. There is no-panic-switch!


This is hard. I confess I need help.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hormone Replacement Therapy

Part three. I saw my doctor a few weeks ago. Like usual, I cried through most of the appointment. She could clearly see the emotional state I’ve been in, and suggested I try low dose hormone replacement therapy. I had heard from a few friends it really helped them. And though I read some downfalls to HRT, there are also some compelling and appealing positives that are greater than the negatives. So I decided to try HRT. Fast forward to today… I’ve been taking low dose Estradiol and Progesterone for a few weeks. I’m noticing some improvement with hot flashes and night sweats. I’m feeling a tiny bit more energy some days. My mood swings are a little less frequent. And I’m crying a lot less (yay)! So I’m thinking the HRT is working. The downside to this is I’ve started bleeding, like a period. Really wasn’t expecting to buy ANYMORE tampons in my life! But there I was, in the store feminine hygiene aisle, scooping up a box of tampons for myself thinking “Oy vey”. But, I’m sticking with it ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Starting Over

 Ok, starting over might be a little dramatic. I’m not starting over in the sense “something went wrong and I need a fresh start”. There hasn’t been a major life event warranting a fresh start (still happily married). But, starting over feels appropriate at the moment. For several reasons. First, I’m in a ridiculous place in my life, menopause! I say ridiculous because it IS ridiculous. Not one aspect of this feels normal, or balanced, or remotely appealing. The emotions alone are so absurd that my “joke” is I cry over lettuce (sad but it happened. Will get to that later.). Second, yet again I find myself starting over with trying to live a healthy lifestyle. This is a true lifelong yo yo for me. It’s tiring! And maddening! I was at my goal weight last year. I was doing great! Then, some holidays, a couple of vacations, and lots of unhealthy habits landed me a 30 pound weight gain. THEN, the icing on the cake (probably literally because I ate it) is menopause making it even harder ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Hormonal Hell (Part Two)

While I happily haven’t had a period in almost eight months, I’m questioning my younger self for wanting to trade periods in for menopause. I honestly don’t know that the alternative to periods is any better! The past two months my menopause symptoms have become much worse. Some days I liken menopause to climbing Mount Everest. Like I’m fighting to reach the peak with legs that feel weighted down. Quite literally steps are like trudging through knee high mud. I’m so tired. As a result my energy is low. It takes all I have (and some that I don’t) to be remotely active after work. Going for an easy walk is a big feat. It saddens me greatly to see how much I’ve changed this year. Mentally and physically. I’ve gained a whopping 30 pounds from this day last year. That’s friggin’ unacceptable! I’m gobsmacked I allowed this to happen. To say this plays a role in my mental state of despair and sadness is an understatement. This is a viscous cycle. My body hurts and I’m exhausted, so I don’t ex...
Post a Comment
Read more